In the booth, in the back, in the corner, in the dark...

Become an accountant: Save the world and still get weekends off

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:58:32 GMT

Behind every hero is an accountant trying desperately to figure out how to pay for it all. Superheroes may look impressive in their spandex and capes, flying off to save the day, but, believe me, less than one in ten has even a glimmer of a clue how to balance a checkbook. I should know. I run a private agency devoted to keeping our heroes solvent. I’d tell you the agency name but you wouldn’t recognize it. Next to their identities, the biggest secret in the “save the world” biz is that saving said world is not nearly as “not for profit” as most would like to believe.

“Yes, ma’am, that is our standard fee for rescuing your cat from a tree.”

“Yes, ma’am, next time you could leave the cat up the tree and let her figure out how to get down on her own. We generally recommend that approach, in fact. However, in your case, she was cornered up in that tree by a spider hybrid from Dilithium 3. Removing the alien carnivore from your property incurred an additional fee.”

“Yes, ma’am, you could have let the alien carnivore just eat the cat. Of course, it would probably have followed up that appetizer by trying to enter your home and eat you. They are known to do that.”

“Well, ma’am, for dangerous carnivores like that there is usually a bounty. You could turn in the carcass to your local city hall and claim the bounty. That would offset a large part of our fee. “

“No, ma’am, I’m afraid you are on your own with your car insurance company. We don’t generally recommend jumping into your car in a panicked attempt to flee from carnivorous aliens, since you are much more likely to get into an accident while attempting to flee than you are to actually escape.”

“Yes, ma’am, you could claim mitigating circumstance caused by the alien attempting to eat your beloved household pet. I’m not sure that would be enough for the accident to be covered under the superhero protection rider to the policy, however.”

“Oh, you don’t have that rider.”

“’Too expensive and you’ve never had a problem before.’ I understand. Unfortunately, that means you’re definitely going to be on your own there. In fact, I wouldn’t even mention the cat-eating alien. Not only would the insurance company not pay, they might cancel your policy and label you a ‘high risk’.”

“Oh, they did. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yes, ma’am, we can certainly work out a payment schedule since now you have a car to replace as well.”

“Yes, ma’am, at least the cat is safe. And since you no longer have a tree in your front yard, she’s unlikely to get stuck up in it again.”

“Thank you for calling, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

I have that conversation – or some variation of it – at least three times a day, sometimes per client. You would think people would keep a closer eye on their pets. Me, I just have goldfish. They’re less likely to get stuck in a tree – or to chase a fledgling mutant with shaky control over his newly awakened powers. Reverting a 6-legged dog with 8 eyes, scales and fiery flatulence back to normal is not cheap.

Hang on, I’ll be right back. I need to catch this news report. Looks like one of our guys is having a major throw down in the business district. Oh dear, that’s going to cost some big bucks. I count one, two, three… Damn, five trashed cars. At least one engulfed completely in flames. Looks like major damage to two stores and one office building. Ah hell, and he’s completely shredded yet another costume! I thought making them of unstable molecules was supposed to make those more durable, not less. I hope he catches the guy at least this time. The reward should cover most of these expenses. I hope those businesses are insured. Otherwise, I’ll be fielding irate phone calls from people all next week. I need more coffee. This is going to be a long night.

I can't decide if I want this to be just a silly one shot or if I want it to keep going with it and make it an actual story. Decisions... decisions... decisions...

a slightly different angle

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:32:21 GMT

I'm forever taking things that "everyone knows" and flipping them on their sides to look at the picture from another angle. For example, super heroes. Godzilla in the later movies was a hero and "the planet's only hope" against invading monsters from outer space. Why? For crying out loud, he destroyed Tokyo in nearly every movie. My kids adored the Power Rangers when they were kids. My reaction to the series? "I am never ever living in Angel Grove."

Superman, the Hulk, and the X-men battle evil villains out to do ... whatever (kill, enslave, or just rob blind ordinary citizens). The images of the heroes' fierce battles with those villains are the highlight of the comic book or cartoon -- and an integral part of those great battles are the various combatants being thrown through the walls of office buildings -- or slammed by cars picked up off the street to display the great strength of our heroes. And somehow everything is rebuilt and pristine again just in time for the next battle.

I've always wondered what the insurance companies and assorted claims adjusters thought of those superheroes. Do you think there are superhero clauses in the insurance policies there? Would you have to pay extra for a superhero damage rider like you do for flood or tornado insurance? How many times can the Hulk smash your brand new car or Rita Repulsa send a giant monster rampaging through the business district to crush your office building before the insurance company cancels your policy? Do superheroes carry liability insurance to help defray the cost of rebuilding the city they "protect"? The Power Rangers were high school students. Maybe Zordon was independently wealthy?

Points to ponder.

You have to wonder....

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 10:04:06 GMT

My mom spends a lot of time watching SkyAngel. She prefers a channel that is pretty much all gospel music. (Whee...) The constant barrage of music that I have no interest in has led to some interesting lines of thought.

For example, a lot of the songs make a big deal out of the miracles that Christ performed. There was a particular cripple whose family would carry him to the city gate so he could beg. At the end of the day, they'd pick him up and carry him home again. The money he brought in presumably was critical to the family's support, else why would they go to the effort of carrying him to the gate each day? Anyway, Christ healed him. Yippee, hosannas and all that. However, what did he do for a living after he was healed? He was a grown man. Depending on how long he'd been crippled, he might or might not even have had a trade. What if all he knew was how to beg? He couldn't exactly pretend to be crippled after that -- he was healed in the public square. His begging could have been the difference between eating or starving for his family (not to mention, freedom or slavery), and now that option was closed to him, and therefore, them as well.

Miracle, yes. Kindness? Much harder to say.

supplement this

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:28:54 GMT

My mom watches a lot of the Discovery Health channel. Hospital ER dramas, delivery room dramas, "big" medicine, ... all sorts of stuff like that. We don't even blink any more at seeing blood splashed all over the TV screen... and then it goes straight into a cooking show.

One thing I'll never get used to though is the all the diet pills ("only for those serious about wanting to lose body fat"). Who knew there were even that many weight loss supplements on the market? They use various euphemisms to describe why someone might have become overweight. "Adrenal fatigue", a "shortage of weight burning enzymes".... anything but "You sit on your butt all day behind your desk snacking on sweets and starchy foods and then hit the drive thru at least 3 times a week ... and break out in hives at the thought of exercise."

I saw one that claims to treat "the cause of the weight gain". Right, how's it do that? I take this pill and suddenly drive thrus will no longer serve me? "I'm sorry ma'am but you took that freakingly overpriced mail order diet supplement and now our registers won't let us ring up your order. I'm afraid you'll just have to go home and cook something healthy instead." Walmart will no longer let me buy cookies or cupcakes? "Ma'am, did you by any chance just take a fomods? Your cookie and cupcake purchase isn't going through. Have you thought about buying yogurt?" My truck will no longer let me park in close parking spaces and will only "fit" in spaces way across the parking lot from my desired destination to ensure I get at least that much exercise a day? "Damn fomods... I was sort of in a hurry. I don't have time to hike a half of a mile just to return a video rental."

Of course I do have a question. If you're male and you take one of those fomods, will it counteract your male enhancement supplement?

At least I got a chance to tell him thank you

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 07:16:33 GMT

As you may or may not have heard, David Eddings died June 3.

When my kids were little, I tried to read to them but the children's books and stories we had bored us all to tears so I gave up. All was not lost though. They noticed me laughing over a new David Eddings book and bugged me to tell them what was so funny. I ended up reading The Belgariad to them. (I highly recommend The Pawn of Prophecy to anyone with children. One chapter knocks them out like a light. Unfortunately the series picks up after that so you'll have to set limits to how many chapters you can read at a time. They'll beg for as many as you have voice for.) Eventually we read The Mallorean, The Elenium, and The Tamuli too. The kids went on to read any and all of his other books on their own. I may have to hire mercenaries to retrieve The Rivan Codex from my daughter (or just give up and buy yet another copy). That my kids are avid readers now can in large part be credited to David and Leigh Eddings.

It's been interesting to hit my usual web sites and see so many people mourning his loss by rereading his books. So many credit his books as their introduction to fantasy. I tend to describe his fantasy series thus: Lord of the Rings is "the story". The Belgariad is the children's version. The Elenium is the adult version. The Redemption of Althalus is the condensed version. It's more than that however.The Eddings also made that story accessible to everyone and both easy to understand (Tolkien's flowery language isn't for everone) and rich with humor. When reading LotR you get lost in the beauty of the language(s) and the story. When reading Eddings, you visit with friends. He made them real.

His various obituaries use words like "foremost" and "iconic" to describe him. For many, I suppose that would imply "success" as a writer. I define it a bit differently. He made my children fall in love with the written word. He so captured their interest that my son battled his dyslexia and persevered against it. Today he reads even more than I do. I'm not sure about you, but I'd call that true success. So did he actually when I wrote to thank him years ago. He said that was exactly what he was aiming for -- to entice kids away from video games and TV and get them to read.

*adds The Dreamers to her already toppling "to read" stack* It's his only series I've never read. Guess I need to get caught up.

Thanks, Dave. You'll be missed. Hell, you already are missed. You and Leigh both.

Is there a lawyer in the house?

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:24:50 GMT

Is anyone familiar with the law that all ice cream must be shared with the cat? Apparently I'm being brought on charges for that one. Domino is through messing around. I mean, I knew about the pizza law (All pepperoni goes to the cat)... and yeah, I'm a habitual violator of that one too.

I guess I'm either going to have to take a course in feline law... or just get used to a life of crime.

Sound track for demon slaying?

Thu, 21 May 2009 03:23:25 GMT

So I'm reading Nora Roberts' Sign of Seven trilogy (highly recommended btw). Three childhood friends set loose some ancient evil / demon on their tenth birthday. Every 7 years it comes back and they have to fight it off to save their town. Each reappearance is worse than the last in intensity, destruction and death. The series covers the final showdown, if you will, between good and evil.

The fun part about it (well, one of the fun parts) is that the three and their respective love interests sing as they fight off this demon. They do it to keep their spirits up and to show it they aren't afraid of it. Songs like Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Hello!", Springsteen, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins and Sheryl Crow. The big show down with the beast at the end was to "Love Shack" -- which turned out to really fit the moment actually [Bang bang bang on the door, baby (Knock a little louder, sugar)].

Kind of makes you wonder really. You're off to face down the Big Ugly. What sort of tunes do you put on your ipod for that?

Fairytales: random musings and assorted dementia

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:12:41 GMT

This entry was inspired by a conversation that took place in the comments on a facebook quiz. If that doesn't warn you what to expect, I don't know what will.

I grew up reading fairytales. To this day, I can lose myself for hours at a time in Grimm's or Hans Christian Andersen's volumes. But sometimes you just find yourself saying WTH?!

Think about it, Snow White -- who didn't grow up on this tale (or the Disney version of it anyway)? Little girls dress up as Snow White for Halloween and fantasize about being her... and her foremost qualification for marrying a prince was that she made a pretty corpse. Evidently she was a beautiful enough corpse that he was willing to overlook the minor fact that she'd been living with 7 men before she "died".

Sleeping Beauty wasn't much better. She was asleep for a hundred years. So she was old and as good as dead. Didn't that prince even battle his way to her?

Necrophilia FTW?!

Then there's Cinderella whose most attractive feature was, if you can believe it, her incredibly tiny feet. Foot fetish. Kinky.

Another point of confusion: Why is Beauty and the Beast perfectly acceptable .. but the furry fandom is shocking and reprobate? Ditto for Swan Lake and the Frog Prince.

As much as I love old fairytales, I really do wonder sometimes just what people were smoking to come up with some of them.

Hopeless

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 06:20:18 GMT

Okay, so I already have 7 books in my immediate "to read" stack: Black Powder War, Empire of Ivory, Victory of Eagles (all by Naomi Novik), Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman (which reminds me, I still haven't finished Good Omens or American Gods, hmmm...), Immortals: The Reckoning, The Beast Within, Beast of Desire, Night Huntress... Okay, so that's more than seven. The point is, that I have more than enough books to keep me occupied for quite some time, right? Which is obviously why I went out and bought a new one: The Stowaway by RAS and his son Geno.

I've been looking to get back into reading about Drizzt. I lost steam and then interest somewhere shortly after Spine of the World. I've tried starting the series again at the beginning to try to recapture my interest but that's not really worked. DET merely left me with the profound impression that Drizzt had to be either autistic or mentally deficient. IWD alternated between entertaining and painful -- even though it contains my very favorite Drizzt parts ever, there is also much of it that I have no desire to revisit... ever. LotD bears up under multiple rereadings. But I have no idea about anything after that since I bogged down hopelessy on the PoD.

I'm hoping that looking at Drizzt through completely different eyes and from an entirely different point of view will help jumpstart my interest in finishing the series... I mean I already own the books (except for the last couple). Seems silly not to read them -- especially given LE and all that.

50 book challenge?

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 23:45:56 GMT

So after a frustrating past year in which I attempted to read many books and actually finished only a fraction of them, this year I'm keeping track of the books I finish just out of curiosity. I have no expectations of reading 50 books and no ambitions of doing so -- I'm not padding my to read list with short books to make it easier. Not avoiding thick books because they'll slow me down and keep me from reaching that magic number.

So far I've finished 5 books and am in the middle of two more: The Great Gatsby, which I'm reading with a friend (Kaffe, you better be grateful that I love you. I wouldn't read this dreck for any other reason.), and the third book in the Howl series, House of Many Ways. The kindest thing so far that can be said about The Great Gatsby is... it's short. House of Many Ways is not, but it is painfully cute -- and it's a vast improvement over book two Castle in the Air. And Howl and Sophie are, as always, teh awesome. I am surprised in every book that Sophie has not yet smothered Howl or done something else very unpleasant to him. True love is indeed strange.

I wonder if this will be the year that I finally manage to finish Strange & Norrell or The Black Powder War. In my case, Strange & Norrell could be referred to as "The Strange Case of the Larcenous Foot-notes" -- since I read along and follow the clue to read the footnote to explain what I just read.... and get totally sidetracked reading the footnotes until I've totally forgotten what the story was about and have to start over. There is obviously an art to reading this book that I have not yet mastered.

The Black Powder War is a rollicking good tale (mostly) from what I scanned of it. Unfortunately rowing that slow boat to China (otherwise known as Throne of Jade) totally sapped my interest and momentum in continuing the series. With Empire of Ivory looking to be somewhat depressing, I'm having difficulty motivating myself to picking back up where I left off here. I may have to resort to assigning myself chapters to get through it until the story picks up enough to draw me in. (Hey, it worked for Castle in the Air.)

So, is anyone else trying the challenge -- seriously or (like me) out of idle curiosity? What strategies do you use to motivate yourself to finish a book that perhaps is not as engrossing as you'd like it to be? Just curious.

Well, damn, book 5 is already out (Victory of Eagles). I guess I should get myself motivated at some point to catch up with the series. *thinks* Eh, maybe.

I will never look at Darth Vader the same again

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:31:03 GMT

So I'm wandering through Wal-mart far too late at night, doing my grocery shopping. I take a detour through the book section looking for something interesting to read and spy a romance anthology called Beyond Magic. My taste in romance leans to the offbeat and I'm always willing to at least read the cover blurb on a paranormal romance... and besides one of the authors listed was Elaine Cunningham.

I don't read Star Wars (heresy, I know) and I'm burnt out on the Forgotten Realms... or it's just not as much fun without my son around to yell "Mom! You have to read this!" Whatever. At any rate, I was curious to check out something different from her.

"Just so you know, I will curse you until the day I die for putting that image in my head." Yeah, I'm with Molly on that one. I will never be able to think of Darth Vader quite the same again. Puts an entirely different spin on the phrase "what a prick".

Other than that however (which was such a compelling mental image I had to inflict it on several other people too), Beyond Dreams was a very enjoyable story and I highly recommend it. In fact, if Ms. Cunningham ever revisits those characters in other short stories or novels, I'll probably have to make a point to renew the acquaintance.

evolution of the evolution

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 03:46:28 GMT

For those who loved Evolution of Dance:

Now there is The Wedding Version:

Somehow I can't decide whether to be mentally scarred or just continue to laugh like a fiend and wish I'd been at that reception rather than some of the others I've been forced to attend.

The taste of the season

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 06:23:54 GMT

It's almost Halloween. I know this because the Halloween candy is out. I'm not really a candy person. Too sweet and I have no concept of moderation (I eat till I'm sick and it's all gone -- not a good combo), so I just avoid it generally. But there is one candy treat that hits me in my weak spot and it's out now -- autumn mix mallowcremes. Two flavors of candy corn plus pumpkins. I love those -- and I don't dare buy them because... (see previous comment about the way I eat candy). I was doing really good resisting them, even with them on sale for less than $2... until my daughter spoke up and said "We want these don't we?" We've gone through two tubs of them now. (Only one per week though so still not bad.)

Walmart also put out peppermint stick ice cream -- which just so happens to be my very favorite ice cream flavor. I jumped on their "mistake" and bought it immediately. You see, peppermint stick ice cream (unless I wish to try to hunt down an ice cream parlor) is available only once a year -- at Christmas. My mom and I have been enjoying it immensely. I need to go get some more....

Another sign of the Christmas season would be white fudge covered oreos -- still another weakness. Another treat only available at that time of the year... and one I dare not indulge in unless I am around someone else who likes them. Otherwise, I will eat that entire box by myself and ... yeah, no concept of moderation.

Is a good thing some of my favorite treats are available only in very short windows of opportunity. Otherwise, "big as a house" might be a euphemism very kindly applied.

politics.... sigh

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 05:19:44 GMT

Okay so the presidential electioneering is going on (or rather, the campaigning leading up to the presidential election). My mom watches the BBC World News and it's even the lead story on that. My brother constantly has some news show or another going just for background noise -- and that's pretty much non-stop election coverage as well. I don't even have to worry about media bias on the issues really. After all, I have both Paul Kemp and Joel Rosenberg on my f-list to make sure I'm seeing both sides of the issues and am well informed of what's spin and what's real.

And you know what? I still don't care. I am so militantly indifferent to this election it's not even funny. I consider Barack Obama a prom queen -- all flash and style; little to no substance. And McCain's response to this? He names another prom queen to be his running mate. McCain himself is by all accounts an unmitigated ass whose cause of death should be listed on his death certificate as "hoof & mouth disease". Oddly enough, that also apparently describes Obama's running mate. A prom queen and an unmitigated ass versus an unmitigated ass and a prom queen. You'll forgive me if I fail to see any discernible difference between our choices.

Oh, I'll vote in this election. And I'll be informed about the issues and vote for the man whose stand is closest to my beliefs. I'll also go with my gut -- as in, the man that makes me the least queasy about seeing him as president as I'm standing in the voting booth will be the one that I vote for.

Regardless of how it turns out though, this election will make history. We will either have our first African American President or our first woman Vice President. Never has so much history been tied up in such a lackluster package.

Reminds me a great deal of school textbooks really. So much history... and it's all watered down to the point that it's virtually worthless, just to make it "palatable" for everyone.

WTH

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:40:03 GMT

I'm a quiz freak. I get bored or frazzled or whatever and take quizzes to distract myself. I take silly ones to make me laugh (like "What Halloween candy are you?") or insightful ones that look interesting ("What family role do you play?"). I'm fully aware that they are not "real" -- as in, no more likely to be accurate than a newspaper horoscope. It's just fun to play with the answers; change one or two to find the "triggers" that will give you a different "desired" response.

But sometimes you just have to wonder what the people writing these quizzes have been smoking. "What felony are you?" W.T.F. Seriously.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:34:16 GMT

see more puppies

Life, the universe, and everything...

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 01:24:12 GMT

Ever have a completely crazy thought that you just can't shake for whatever reason? Here's mine:

Do you think vampires are a problem in Alaska? Think about that long stretch in the dead of winter where the sun either doesn't rise at all or rises only for a very short time.

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Have I mentioned that I love this comic?

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 05:40:02 GMT

my political statement for this election

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:13:34 GMT

And another one just for good measure. I love this webcomic.

If you knit or crochet, you'll get this one

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:10:54 GMT

Random Olympic observations

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:37:45 GMT

It's kind of hard to avoid the Olympics when one's family makes a point to have it playing on every tv in the house.
Mark Spitz is old now. When the hell did that happen?
Championship doubles badminton is perhaps not the most scintillating sport ever invented. Or so my brother tells me. Fortunately I managed to miss that one.

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:20:22 GMT

Sacrilege!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 16:32:26 GMT

The stench of blood and smoke filled the air. Michael wielded his sword with deadly efficiency, chopping down one attacker after another, focusing only on keeping them away from the burly red-haired man feverishly working to staunch the blood flowing from one of their own.

“Michael! I’m losing him!” Jesus cried. “My healing spells just aren’t strong enough for this. He needs you.”

Methodically, Michael worked to drive the attackers away from them. Raphael’s only chance would be if he could hold out long enough to allow the others to reach them. If not… well, from the looks of things, Raphael wouldn’t be dying alone.

This campaign had started like so many others, the six of them exchanging friendly insults as they tended to their duties as day laborers on a farm. It was something they did frequently: earning experience points doing ordinary physical labor. It leveled them up slowly, but they bled less. Michael was all in favor of that -- perhaps an unusual attitude in a paladin and the general of Heaven’s forces. It also bugged Lucifer no end. Michael considered that a bonus.

“How many cows do you have to milk to level up, anyway?” Gabriel asked with a laugh.

“You don’t want to know,” Lucifer grumbled.

“Mucking out stalls works faster,” Uriel contributed. “Doesn’t smell any better though.”

“I’ll agree to that,” came a mutter from Lucifer’s general direction. Lucifer really hated these sorts of missions. He preferred a bit more action. He understood Michael’s reasoning for setting them up, however. Michael wanted them all to be a high enough level not to be killed by the first band of marauders they came across. In Michael’s place, Lucifer probably would have done the same. That didn’t mean that he liked being dirty, or smelly, or surrounded by other equally dirty and smelly companions. He was supposed to be a prince, dammit, and princes should be allowed to be clean and pampered. They should not be required to milk cows! Nasty, dirty creatures. He’d switch to poultry and stop eating beef altogether, but chickens were worse -- and stupid besides. Maybe he should just become a vegetarian.

With the ease of long practice, the six men had split up to handle the different chores on the farm. Michael, Jesus and Raphael had gone to stack hay in the loft. Uriel worked on mucking out the stalls and feeding the stock. Gabriel and Lucifer applied themselves to milking the cows. Later they would head to the fields to weed before trying to get cleaned up and catch some sleep before starting all over again the next morning.

blinkblink

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:19:03 GMT

At 46, people should not still be stopping me in the grocery store to ask me what high school I went to because "your face looks familiar to me.. I think I went to high school with you." (WTF?!)

And yes, he was right. We did, in fact, go to high school together. I recognized his name when he gave it to me.

Life is sometimes much more surreal than any painting by Salvador Dali.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:43:08 GMT